COMING up for air is harder than it sounds. It’s like
running into a brick wall. It hurts, it makes you want to give up.
My meds clearly need some adjusting. I want to sit at home
and not go out to see the sun. I don’t want to do anything. I am afraid of
everything. I have to force myself to be in the world. Sometimes Tristan has to
cheer me on. It’s humiliating.
I feel at ease in my bed. In all that green of the walls and
blue of the sky and the orchid with a brand new spike, two others flowering
still (after so many months) and two that I am trying to breathe life into. I
am confident one won’t make it. The air rushes through the white curtains,
gusts and gusts of wind. Those cheap white curtains look almost bridal. One has
a huge browns stain at the bottom and its hem is in tatters. Adolf does that to
curtains.
With all the heavy losses we have suffered over the last two
years I have become a ball of nerves. Who’s next? Who else will die? What other
incredibly rare malady will hit? I think of Prince who is 30. His eyesight
going. I think of how cold he gets in winter and how carefully we always need
to feed him. I worry. All.The.Time. I think of the chickens.
I think that I think
too much.
Be brave dear friends. Try to be brave.
Oh, Landers. I have been where you are....many times. Sometimes things just get so overwhelming that the simplest tasks become impossible. Your brain becomes full. You are tired. All. The. Time. Joy is replaced by stress or worry. I believe that you are experiencing winter right now?? I found here that lack of sunlight was a big contributing factor to my blues.
ReplyDeleteWorrying about who is next to succumb to illness, etc. is not going to change anything. You provide your four-legged family members with all the care and love they need. And they know it. In return, they provide unconditional love and happiness to your life. I hope that you will be able to focus on that soon instead of worrying.
I am sending positive thoughts your way that you will start feeling better soon. xoxo
Hi Wolfie! Thanks for your encouragement. I went off grid to the farm to get away (until today! only just got back). I didn't even charge my phone. It was heaven! I needed to be there instead of in an office or moping in the flat in Big Smoke. It helped tremendously. It's so encouraging to see the horses thriving. It always cheers me up.
DeleteYes we are in winter. It rarely snows over here in the highveld (both the farm and Jozi is highveld). We have sunny winter days and with the season already turning, the days are warm or mild. It's also a summer rainfall area, so we have what passes for minor drought every winter - all our pasture cease and we rely solely on baled grass. What's nice about this is that hardened ponies can stay out all year long provided with ample bales, some need rugs and obviously our geriatrics and other less good doers are stabled and rugged for the winter. The horses grow big old wooly coats. Our ponies take to sunning first thing in the morning when the sun is out (no end of heart failure, seeing a horse down in pasture, only to trek out there and see it leap up and shake off!) but they move under the trees soon enough to get shelter from the sun. This winter has been especially mild. But you are right, I am like a poppy; I love the sun and I don't cope well in the cold. I once went to New York in December and I thought I was going to die. I promised myself I'd never say it's cold at home again. :)