Coming up for air

COMING up for air is harder than it sounds. It’s like running into a brick wall. It hurts, it makes you want to give up.

My meds clearly need some adjusting. I want to sit at home and not go out to see the sun. I don’t want to do anything. I am afraid of everything. I have to force myself to be in the world. Sometimes Tristan has to cheer me on. It’s humiliating.

I feel at ease in my bed. In all that green of the walls and blue of the sky and the orchid with a brand new spike, two others flowering still (after so many months) and two that I am trying to breathe life into. I am confident one won’t make it. The air rushes through the white curtains, gusts and gusts of wind. Those cheap white curtains look almost bridal. One has a huge browns stain at the bottom and its hem is in tatters. Adolf does that to curtains.

With all the heavy losses we have suffered over the last two years I have become a ball of nerves. Who’s next? Who else will die? What other incredibly rare malady will hit? I think of Prince who is 30. His eyesight going. I think of how cold he gets in winter and how carefully we always need to feed him. I worry. All.The.Time. I think of the chickens.

 I think that I think too much.

Be brave dear friends. Try to be brave.

On 'strictlers'...

WORD to the wise; when trying to recruit a brilliant copy editor don't ask for a 'strictler for facts' in your brief. This will make those truly OCD copy monsters (the best sort of proof readers) squirm with discomfort.

And yes, this is a true story!

I worked as a sub editor for some time and during that period I learnt that the best copy editors work with capable journalists. Literally just capable, not brilliant. The ability to write two paragraphs without changing tenses eight times will greatly alleviate a copy editor's work load. The ability to spell everyday words such as National Geographic (and not National Georgraphic) will really lessen the tension in your average editor's life.

So when HR posts a brief that they got from an editor (ahhhh yes, you can bet your bottom dollar!) with a spelling error then you know you are in for a nightmare. Actually let me rephrase that: I'd like to say 'spelling error' but let's face it, 'strictler' is not a word. I won't confine that mistake to the realm of spelling, I'll let it ooze over into the realm of, ahh you know...life in general. Seriously interwebz, if you could see my face right now... I look like I have a foul smell stuck to my face.

So of course, for the sake of brevity, I replied to the lady in question and pointed out that 'strictler' is not a word. I don't expect a 'thank you'. It's eminently more possible that I shall receive a 'tank you'.

Don't misunderstand me, I am NOT a pedant. I am not some letter-writing maniac who complains about every mistake and is a complete stickler for facts (see what I did there?). NO! I just have a hard time coming to terms with someone trying to recruit a proof reader when they can't spell. How do they propose to test the mettle of their applicants? Because clearly Microsoft has failed them already.

It's a tough time out there folks...yes it is.

Oef!

Still coming to terms with the loss of baby girl, and it has been rough. Like always though, when it rains it really pours. I have flu, some strange energy-sapping strain. I am not surprised because I am not built for winter at all. Happily, I spied a handful of naive blossoms on the tree outside. Perhaps things will turn sweeter again soon.

Today I'll be hunting for my camera charger because I miss taking pictures.I have also been busy thesis-ing and I am so so grateful to the university and to my Prof for keeping me busy and out of trouble. My prof recently lost his beloved, aged, special needs cat and after mourning for a while he was ready to take on a new companion. I hooked him up with a wonderful welfarist who runs an awesome no-kill organisation where, after home checks etc, he decided to adopt THREE lovely, joyous kittens. He named the Viola, Sebastian and Ferdi - after the characters once lost and then found. He is THRILLED with them. When next we visited he had cat scratch posts and anti-ant bowls and the works. And they are too gorgeous.

I suppose if we look hard enough, we'll find joy and love and beauty SOMEWHERE. And knowing that spring is coming makes it easier to look forward.

PS: I recently attended my cousin's wedding in the frock Jane helped me pick out many moons ago. Sans the shape wear and her fresh, excellent advice I struggled to get into it. I remember now why I hate it so much! Just a few days before the wedding I noticed the store where Jane worked and the frock was purchased burnt to the ground (no injury or loss of life). I think that the inventors of 'bridal sizing' should see this as an omen.

Love + relics

Flowers! Can you imagine? Maybe someone does read my blog after all :)

They are sitting there brightening up my pilfered bookshelf, right next to my pilfered chair next to the hand-me-down dining room table. I arranged them in those two hand-me-down vases no one had a use for. The glass giraffe is the only surviving one of a pair purchased in the Kruger National Park when I was a child. Old, and still awesome. I love our things, as ramshackle as they are.

And look at my favourite BREAKFAST. Seriously, breakfast food is my absolute favourite. This scrummy plate was served to me right on the couch. I am very spoilt.

Seed loaf Fench toasts with cheddar and a liberal dollop of tomato sauce. Tristan makes them the absolute best. The story, however, is that stoneware plate with the Dutch design. I loved these plates the minute my parents bought them in the very very early 90s. I thought they were lost, little did I know Oumie had them and she carefully kept them all these years. Finding them after they cleared out her flat was like finding a present. Six perfect plates and side plates. I remember lugging them to school as a youngster for our 'restaurant day' and our wonderful English teacher telling me how beautiful they are. Years later, they are our everyday plates, and I still think they are beautiful.