Hamboogy!

ALMOST on a weekly basis Tristan and I engage in a delicate, potentially deadly, dance. I call it the Hamboogy…and we do it with our clothes on and our stomachs rumbling.

We are lazy eaters…the sort of eaters who wait until we are slightly dizzy from low blood sugar before we decide to make a plan for dinner.

Lately, the Food Network has intensified our dance. All it takes is 30 minutes of Food Wars before we are drooling, quivering, hungry, near-Hobbesian primates. But in polite society we refrain from hysterics and violence (only just!) in order to talk it through, strategise, put on our black leather gloves, rip out the laptops and think our way through it. The dance begins, it’s a delicate Cha Cha of modesty:

‘I’m starving!’

‘I could eat too.’

‘What do you feel like eating?’

Narrators note: instead of replying truthfully by saying ‘oh dear Lord, feed me the worst most shameless hamburger in the world with seven sides and at least 3 sauces’ we count on our dance partner cracking first in order to avoid seeming like the greediest pig in the relationship.

‘I don’t know, what do we have?’

‘There’s stuff for Greek salad and also some smoked chicken?’

‘Ahhh, I see, well then.’

‘What do you WANT to eat?’

‘Erm, well what do YOU want to eat?’

‘I could use a burger?’

Narrators note: at this point eyes twitch neurotically, stomachs contort with hunger a sweat may, or may not, have started to bead on our upper lips.

‘Well then, home made is healthiest, I mean we’ll have to see what stale rolls we can buy at the local this time of night but I am sure we can whip something up.’

‘Ahh sure, yes, home made.’

‘Or, we can get something to go.’

Narrators note: hope flashes between us, electric and full of possibility.

‘So do you want take out or do you want home made.’

‘Erm, whatever’s easy. I’m cool I don’t mind either way.’

Narrators note: the dancers get shaky with sheer hunger. Crankiness is starting to set in.

‘Just tell me what you want babe?’

‘WHAT DO YOU WANT?’

‘I’ll take the shameless gourmet take-out burger with onion rings…’

‘Why didn’t you just say so?’

‘I eat ice cream for breakfast, I didn’t think I needed to say it…’

No offence to vegetarians, but we are proper meat eaters and FI's t-shirt here pretty much sums up our feelings on burgers.

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